Elisabeth Elliot shares in a chapter of “A Path Through Suffering” insights on how to respond if you’re not allowed to be a part of your grandchild’s life. She describes it as “love pierced with pain”. It’s an accurate description of such cruelty. Yet it isn’t simply reserved for being separated from your grandchildren. It can apply to kids, friends, parents, and a whole host of relationships God designed to be enjoyed yet broken by sinful actions and decisions.
One who is about to be a grandmother wrote to me of her love-longing for the unborn child, but the love is pierced with pain, for the mother-to-be, her daughter-in-law, refuses to have anything to do with her. She is “about to die” over this. Will she not be allowed to see the child, to rejoice with her son and daughter-in-law? Will she be denied the bliss of holding the baby?
I know a grandmother who endured precisely that kind of pain for a long time, so I asked her if she would answer the letter. What she wrote applies so exactly to so many different kinds of suffering that I asked her permission to use the letter:
I will distill some of the principles that kept me from “going under.” In no way think any of these were done easily or that I am taking a simplistic route. The road you are on is excruciatingly painful and in many ways will be a means of identifying with Christ in His sufferings of rejection. Colossians 1: 24 (“ It is now my happiness to suffer for you. This is my way of helping to complete, in my poor human flesh, the full tale of Christ’s afflictions still to be endured, for the sake of his body which is the church.”) is one of the most powerful statements on suffering in this regard, I think.
God is intensely interested in forming Christ in our character and we can assume that He is going to do this in you and your dear daughter-in-law. So:
1. THANK Him over and over and over again for what He is doing through this experience.
2. SING about His mercies and greatness. The enemy would like to destroy your family and your joy— all you have invested and all your hopes for the future. Second Chronicles 20: 1-30 tells a wonderful story. Their families were about to be destroyed. Read it carefully and you will see how:
a. They were afraid (v. 3)
b. They sought the Lord [v. 3)
c. They did not need to fight. God said He would do it for them (v. 17)
d. They were not to fear or be dismayed (a choice, a decision) (v. 17)
e. Singers were appointed to go ahead of the warriors in the most vulnerable position (v. 21)
f. They were to sing of the mercies of God. Why mercies? Because they weren’t any better than the enemy and they were saying, “We don’t deserve to live but we are children of the most High God. We are totally dependent on His mercies and love.” (v. 21)
g. When they sang the Lord sent ambushments. Victory came (v. 22). Sing when you are vacuuming, cooking, walking, driving, trying to go to sleep, showering— decide to sing. Declare to those in the heavenlies that your God is able to deliver. Satan will fear. His minions will fear.
3. CONCENTRATE on your reactions to her and not on what she is doing. At the present you are in bondage to her. You can get free of this bondage. Perhaps you’ll need to get free before she can get free herself. So, when she does something against you, or you feel her intense dislike, immediately your natural response is fear, hurt, dismay, sadness, anger, or wishing she were dead. Now then:
4. TAKE THAT RESPONSE and go to our Father and say,
a. Father, I confess my resentment (or whatever the response is regarding this situation) as sin (don’t leave that out or substitute the word “tendency,” or be tempted to call it anything other than sin. We do have an antidote for sin.)
b. I repent of my sin.
c. Please forgive me.
d. Please forgive her.
e. I receive your forgiveness based on Your Word. The first two are so terribly important. Say this out loud if possible, and say it as the memory of some incident comes to your mind. Then: 5. ACCEPT His forgiveness.
6. MAKE A LIST of the grievances and go through this simple prayer over each incident. Then:
7. TEAR UP the grievances. God Himself will begin to act on your behalf and hers. She needs you and you need her. Blessings on you, dear one, and Bon Courage!
I love the emphasis on thanksgiving and singing right at the start, not easy things to do when, in the midst of pain, we are trying to grasp spiritual truth. But here is the lesson of the aloe— simple, visible, graspable. There will be no life-giving seed unless all is given over first to death. Before Jesus suffered death on the cross He suffered the death of being despised and rejected. Sooner or later human love has to suffer, and when there is rejection, even in less serious forms than those the grandmother described, we are initiated into the fellowship of suffering love. All must give way to that indwelling life, all the corruptible must be let go, as the aloe’s swords are drained of vitality. The plant does not concentrate on the death process. It’s far better to concentrate on our own reactions to the offender than on the list of offenses, and then to take those reactions to the Father. In this way we may be rid of the “carnal,” letting it go to death, in order that, as we are growing in conformity to Christ’s death, we are growing also in conformity to His life. He is increasing, and I am decreasing.
The tearing up of the list of grievances is a clear and deliberate renunciation, symbolizing our wholehearted severance from the wrong, and our determination to live for Him who died for us.
If my friend had not found in her quota of suffering God’s liberating answer, and been obedient to it, she would not have been qualified to help the other grandmother. She was able to help complete, in her poor human flesh, Christ’s sufferings, for the sake of His body, of which my correspondent is also a member. Life received is life that can be passed on. I don’t suppose she was thinking of how she might later help others. She was probably very much occupied with the pain of rejection and the sorrow of not being able to get her hands on the precious child. But we are seldom shown in advance God’s intention in a particular trial, nor the long-term effect our obedience may have on others.
The hard shell of our self-protection must give way. The thick, hard leaves of the aloe must become limp and helpless. Thus only is their life given to the formation of the seed. Thus our hearts must at times be wrung till we feel helpless, but God is not finished with us. — Elisabeth Elliot
#onedaylittleguy
Hi Pastor, Thanks for all these writings that come to my inbox. They are appreciated. I recently went through a divorce (against my will and after 25 years), and we have a 1 year old granddaughter, born during the divorce, who I watch full-time. The divorce pitted my ex’s family against me, because I hired a lawyer and wouldn’t agree to the $39 quickie online divorce, and there was a family rift for the past few years, and the effort my in-laws used to put into seeing my 2 nearly-grown kids dwindled down to almost nothing. In spite of my father-in-law barely speaking to me whenever we were together (I let them come see their great-granddaughter a few times), I have been deeply saddened and touched by what you and Marie have gone through with your grandson, and so when the Lord put it on my heart to go see my ex’s Great-Grandmother (age 95) in an Orlando nursing home, in spite of my reservations, I made plans to go. She had told me wistfully several times on the phone and via mail how much she wished to see her Great-Great Grandchild. So on Valentines Day (2/14/17) my granddaughter got to meet her Great-Great Grandmother. It was precious on that day and will grow more precious with each passing day. The Lord did 2 (and more!) amazing things by providing all the money I needed for the trip, and also, He repaired the broken relationship I had had for a few years between me and my father-in-law, who also lives in Orlando, and who we spent 3 days with while we were there. God is good! Blessings to you and your family, you are always in my thoughts.
Luke 14:26 “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.”
The early Christians most certainly lost their families when they followed Jesus. Saul/Paul went further and said “More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ.”Phil 3:8
Most times following Christ will cost you everything. To cling to those things that He takes away can be sin and rebellion. Our families are important but if they become more important than our LORD, they become an idol.
Tears upon tears for your family & anyone going through this! This article is excellent! When I was going through a divorce due to abuse, him and his family used to suggest that I would not get my daughter back when I let them watch her! I had to stand outside their house and threaten to call the police before they would let her come out to me! That was terrifying to me! So I quit taking her over there! We all became friends enough in due time & I was able to trust them again! They were really just trying to hurt me, mainly him. More abuse.
Hello Pastor Ed,
Thank you for sharing this blog. I was really touched by the grandmother’s letter to her fellow suffering grandmother. Over time I have come to realize that the same principles that are mentioned in her letter can be applied to any relationship (whether within a family, work place or neighborhood) where there is much tension and hostility. I’ve seen God fight my cause in the most unexpected ways, when I have chosen to die to myself (not easy) and to put on the mind of Christ regarding a certain person or situation, or at the very least pray for the offender.
I encourage anyone reading this blog to apply those same principles, not matter which relationship in your life is suffering.
“But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, (Mat 5:44 NKJV)
Pastor, I am praying for you and yr family as my daughter, husband and I were stripped of seeing our grandchildren and godaughter and neice it has been a long painful time. All because of trusting a family member my daughter chose to pour out her heart too. We are trusting God through this hard time and for the end results of His work in our lives. He is faithful and I know He is holding them for us! We will continue to sing,trust and use these instructions for our condition with this situation as some of it has gotten better but not all of it. One day God will get the victory in all our lives and over our trials. John 16:33 says in this world we will have tribulations but be of good cheer for He “Our Lord Jesus” has overcome the world. My favorite scripture! As we need too, Be encourage Pastor!
Rosa;) john 16:33
I am not a grandparent but unfortunately have witnessed this scenario multiple times. If you are a young Christian parent who feels justified in shutting out grandparents of your child I believe you need to examine your heart and seek what Scripture says about the situation.
It is very popular in our culture, especially with young women, to be selfish with regards to family. Buzzwords like “toxic inlaws” are batted around social media as a way for women to justify shutting out their inlaws and favoring their own family. Men, not wanting to upset their wives, will not take a stand, so their parents end up the ones being hurt. And unfortunately church’s women’s ministries no longer involve older women mentoring younger women about loving their husbands and being keepers of the home like it’s instructed in Titus 2.
Genesis 2 says that a married couple are to leave their families and cleave to one another as one flesh. So when you marry, your inlaws should be respected as your own parents, by both husband and wife. Ephesians 6, Exodus 20, Leviticus 19,Deuteronomy 5, and even 1 Timothy 5 show that God expects Christians to honor their parents even into old age. Yes, there would be challenging situations (like past history of terrible abuse) that might prevent fellowship but that still does not negate what God requires as far as honoring parents. If you love your husband/wife, that love should extend to his/her family.
So if you are a young parent reading this who feels justified for ostracizing your inlaws, examine your own heart and motivations. Are you allowing yourself to be influenced by the culture and your feelings (instead of scripture)? Are you choosing not to pursue a good relationship with your inlaws because of selfishness? (easier and more comfortable just to choose your own parents/family). As someone who has been hurt by my own mother-in-law, I can confirm that God can do great things if you submit to His will and not your own flesh. Pray and ask God to help you forgive, and to be forgiven as Christ forgave you. Seek reconciliation as Christ reconciled you to the Father. Again, I am speaking to those who claim to be believers but this advice could also help anyone in this situation.